Monday, October 20, 2008

From the files of Doctor Texino!

Howdy folks, this is Doctor Texino and I'd like to tell you a true story about some decidedly non-Christian hi-jinks that caused a particular pastor a great deal of embarrassment. A situation made sweeter due to the pompous position he insisted on taking before he had the facts of the matter in hand.

This incident occurred at the JFK Memorial Hospital in Lake Worth, FL on a Friday afternoon in the spring of 1977. JFK was not particularly busy, being a small hospital. It did have a minor claim to fame though for being the very first memorial building named for the late president. Having been in the process of dedication at the moment in time he was gunned down, the City Fathers of the Palm Beach County town had jumped right on it, and that was that.

I was on duty in the ER when we received a ring down that an ambulance was in route and to contact them on the medical channel. A nurse did and the rescue said they were bringing 27 year old female complaining of abdominal discomfort and that she was stable. That was all they would say and when asked for a more detailed history they said they needed to relate it to the ER staff when they arrived. It seemed a little odd, but the medics were good and we didn't give it much thought. The unit arrived in a few minutes
and brought a woman in on their stretcher who was lying left lateral recumbent (on her left side) and had the sheet pulled over her head like a dead person. I snagged the lead medic and asked he what the hell this was all about. She answered that I should probably send one of the female nurses in because the woman was very embarrassed and upset secondary to having a foreign body in her rectum. Oh, I see. Well, I ordered a portable x-ray and sent the head nurse in the get the story. OK? Fine. Well, the film came back before the nurse and damn if this woman did not have one of those hollow plastic candy canes that come full of hard candies at Christmas-time and it was lodged to they "crook" up her butt. By this time, the nurse had returned with the history which was the lady had been masturbating and had inserted the object to simulate anal intercourse. She said that her husband was away but was returning that afternoon and she was extremely nervous that he would find out. Well, you learn not to be judgemental in a clinical situation, but this was certainly one for the books and I knew that X-Ray film would make it into the radiologists hall of fame. Another thing was this sort of foreign body situation was a surgical problem. In other words, you could not just pull it out because it had created a suction and even though that area of the body is fairly elastic, it is also extremely vascular and you don't want to be tearing anything. Chances were that a surgeon could get it without going to the OR, and protocol demanded one be consulted, so the call was put in.

After the patient had been reassured, all was quiet. Back in our office everyone had a little smile about it and brought up other cases for comparison. Suddenly however, a commotion was heard from the area of the admitting desk and a call for security followed. Well, of course, the whole ER staff ran out to see the matter and were confronted by a very self possessed fat man who was hurling demands at full speed. "Where was his wife?" "Why was she here and not at the fancy rich folks hospital?" "Produce her right away" "He was the Rev. X from (large conservative Baptist church) and he wanted to see the administrator etc. What a rude man! Well, I introduced my self and asked him to please calm down and we would discuss his wife. I really wanted to protect this poor lady but nothing would do, he was going to get to the bottom of this mess. At which time he pushed past me and burst into the exam room where we had put his wife for privacy. Silence.

Well when next we saw the raging preacher he had gone white as a sheet and seemed to have shrunk several sizes. He went to a waiting area and sat hiding his face until some fussy men and women came and hustled him away. I left JFK shortly afterwards to take a job in the Northwest, so I never found out if there were repercussions, though I do know the surgeon on call had been able to retrieve the objet d' butt with no trouble. I need not elaborate on that, but I guess I might mention one reason that the Preacher had been so troubled on finding out his young wife's difficulty. You see he was a local and noisy conservative with a TV show that mixed God with politics and, at the time, The JFK Memorial Hospital was owned by one of Lake Worth's largest employers. The National Enquirer.

Well folks, that's another case from the files of Dr. Texino. All these stories are true, however; for the sake of propriety, we don't mention any names.
(Unless, of course, there is the chance of making a buck) So until the next time. Adios.

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