Thursday, July 26, 2007

What the Hell is this? Porcupine attack?

Everything is gonzo! Porcupines are on the march!   I figure a porky and a beaver to be similar animals.  Look at the pictures please. So I have hired a platoon of the latter to make a stand.  Now why would I be concerned about some pesky rodents in the neighborhood when I have bears, Zombies, a boogeyman, a big foot and some failed Scottish cannibals in my corner?  Well, like many other countries, Panama goes on vacation around this time of year.  Infrastructure must be maintained, so they have a skeleton-crew on the canal and everyone else takes off for New Orleans.  Well I don't and it's a good thing too, because no sooner had the last bus left than I here the unmistakable scratching of hundreds maybe thousands of porky coming down the road and heading, as always, for the "colon free zone"!  Now I can't say much about the free zone except colon free does not mean no colons.  It's just a huge free port shopping area and right now when it's closed, like everything else is, it is flat irresistible to porcupine. Don't know what they want, don't want to find out!  So we got the beavers and the porky gang.  Well, as everyone knows even though science has denied it for ever, is this; a porcupine CAN and WILL shoot his quills.  It's the female or "Sissy" who cannot do this.  The male or "Bard" can.  It is the only way to tell them apart.  Why worry about this in battle? Couple of reasons.   A Sis can reload a Bard and when she does and is temporarily without quills, that is when they have sex.  So the old joke about porcupines having sex "very carefully" is just a joke.  What happens is this: A Bard is out of ammo so he finds a Sis with ripe quills (a sign of sexual maturity) He stands up on his hind legs and she stets her quills an angle.  When Sis is ready she makes a sound that goes "ah ah ah ah ah ah-toc toc  (and then a whistle)"  The Bard will then settle back on her quill rack and squirm around like a dog scratching its back in order to get a good set and compression for powerful shots.  Once he is satisfied with the set he will give a couple of sharp barks and the Sis will release her quills all at once.  Then they "do it" and the Sis goes on home, grows new quills and, in about eight weeks, has three babies.   Two females one male.  Porcupines are pretty hard to fight without the right personnel.  I'd say if you got a good seasoned platoon of skeletons backed up by about 100 solid beaver from up north, you are good to go.  Get your skellys out front and the Bards will start slinging quill.  Of course that won't bug a skeleton and if a Bard can't reload he'll go rolly polly and that's when you got him.  Your Skells just need to bowl the curled up Bards back toward their own lines and leave it to the beavers to send them flying with  good swat of the tail.  Beavers are also good at catching a load of quill with their tails and firing them right back.  If their timing is right they will catch a Bard and a Sis in a pre-coital reload and that really puts a monkey wrench to it.  Do that enough and the porkys will go home and stay for a good spell.  Damn good those Beavers.  Well I got the beaver and the skeleton crew from the canal, so I'm not worried.    This is not the first time I've saved this country and probably wont be the last.



Ms. Moon said...

Say what?

texino said...

Panamanian issues, don't fret.